wiriamu: (Default)
So, my girlfriend and I just got back from Baltimore. I'll post at length later, but here are some reminders for myself:
The Baltimore Zoo pales in comparison to the Philadelphia Zoo.
Bodyworlds is triggering in SO many ways...
As a addendum to bodyworlds being triggering, I've been dealing with some serious body/anatomy angst lately.
I got a scholarship.
My friend caused me to get slightly sunburned.
My name change is in 5 days.
school starts in 5 days.
A few other things i know i wanted to post, but i'll think of them later.
wiriamu: (Default)
So, myparents seem to have seen fit to deem me not worthy of using my tuititon accout program...and tutition comes due on AUGUST 5! They told me of their devious plan on Thursday evening, which means that i've got to get this straightened out immediately.
I can't decide wether I want to scream, or cry. I've been doing both over the past few days...all over what's happened. My parents forced me to drop down to 9 credits, never minding that one of the reasons that I did poorly last semester was because I was skipping class due to crying on Mel's shoulder over my folks and how they were treating me. They just...i don't know what they just.
They just. That's all I can say.
i'm going back to getting a shower...
wiriamu: (Default)
So i had a wierd dream last night...
I'd finally gotten SRS.
Everything was wonderful and perfect.
And then I realized that I still had testicles. Like, where they stay these days when tucked.
WTF?!??!

On a side note, that led to me waking up, and having to check, because the dream was so real.
On another side note, that and some events of yesterday led to me experiencing major trangst this morning, which [livejournal.com profile] danaelaurm helped me out majorly with...
wiriamu: (Default)
So, i'm beginning to not like work.
Not because of the customers...they're the same as everywhere else. Annoying, but tolerable.
not the location...it's about 10 mins from my apartment.
Not the pay...even though it does suck.
not my boss...he's a real nice guy. Little bizarre at times, and can't keep everybodies name straight, but he's really nice.
it's my coworkers.
two, specifically.
See, i'm out at work. They know i'm trans, and they know i'm pan/bi.
And it seems to be a big joke for them.
like today. A girl came in asking about a job, and my nobody asked if she was 18. Later on, my boss and one of the two were talking, and they mentioned that they didn't look 18, and I asked if they meant the girl, and the kid said 'yeah, the girl. The REAL girl.'
thanks. Thanks a lot.

EDIT: knucklehead #1 said that he'd knock it off. Now to work on knucklehead #2.
six 'a one...

wiriamu: (Default)
So, i'm sitting at my sisters graduation, blogging from my phone.
i've been ordered to appear as a boy...but my folks never said that I had to act like a boy...and i'm bending the 'look like a boy' quite a lot: i'm sitting here in girls slacks, a white cami and girls button down oxford, stockings, diamond stub earrings, and a gold, very feminine necklace.
but, in spite of my civil disobediance, i'm still miserable. see, I want to be going to trans-health today to see people from ya for queers, trueselves, and to hang by the photo project I took part in being exhibited there. In short, I want to be somewhere where i'm not only accepted because i'm trans, it's an entire conference devoted to celebrating and educating transfolk. I mean, I was there for only about 4 hours or so yesterday, but I had so much fun, and I learned so much! I met forum and web friends, went to a discussion about building bridges between trans communities, and was complimented on the photo project by at least two people, not counting my therapist.
and now i'm sitting on bleachers, stuffed into being called my boy name (which I hate) by my parents and relatives. All I want to do is to get out of this auditorium, get changed out of these boyish clothes, and hop a train down to Trans-Health. I mean, I met Danae for the grand total of 40 mins at most yesterday...and it sucks, because she came down from Canada, and I'd been looking forward to meeting her for months.
i'm jealous of my sister...i don't think she realizes how lucky she is to be facing life with straight a's, and by going to a top-ranked school. But most of all, she doesn't have the specter of transsexuality hanging over her head.
i'm going to finish up for now...i'm feeling like shit, and want to scream...
By the way, the photo project website is www.myrightself.org.
Trangst, pt. 1

wiriamu: (Default)
On viewing an old picture of myself

I look at the picture,
Then compare it
To it’s current incarnation.
My TuID card is placed
Next to the boy’s face.
A girl stares back at me.
I look to the left
And a boy stares back at me.
The skin has acne.
The grin is forced and phony.
The hair is short and messy.
The eyes are dull and lifeless.
The boy says,
Silently,
so no one will hear him cry,
“Help me.
I’m dying.
I’m suffocating.
Take me with you
Wherever you go.”
I could be describing any picture.
But this girl is describing herself.
I look to the right.
The girl says
With concern in her voice,
“I want to help you.
But you have to believe
(as hackneyed as it seems)
that your mind is free.
Follow me to a new land
Where the air is fresh and clean.
Where you can be
Yourself
And finally feel human,
And not like a farce.”
I see a familiar face.
The skin is clear.
The smile is genuine.
The hair is long and straight.
But the eyes! The eyes are alive!

February 2010

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