![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Going down dark Allie-ways...
May. 2nd, 2008 11:18 amPhoto is of my room...
One of the ways that I dealt with being trans when I was younger was that I just locked things away. Now that Iâm unlocking my feelings that Iâve repressed for so long, Iâm finding out just how deep and how badly I hurt. For instance, Iâd forgotten just how much I want to have a child of my own. Not one where I am the father, or the sperm donor, or I we have a surrogate-a child that I carry in my body for 9 months, force out of my body, and am able to nurse from my own breasts. It is such an exquisite torture. I hear some women who I come out to say things like âYouâre lucky, never having to deal with periods or pregnancy.â That hurts me, it really does. Yes, because medical technology and procedures can give me a vagina, a labia, a vulva, a form of a cervix, but I can never have periods, and I canât get pregnant. Not CANâT, but WONâT and DONâT.And for a woman, even one born male, this is something that I want to do. I want to have the pain of bleeding every month. I want to be able to bring new life into this world, and nurture it. every time I hear a woman complaining about periods or pregnancy, I get so utterly jealous, because I can never have what they do. I just feel so horrible, because Iâm a woman, and because I overdeveloped into a boy in the womb, I can never be completely the woman I know I am.
Another thing that I locked away was the hatred I had, and still have, for my body. When I first started transitioning, I described myself as having made peace with the penis thatâs on me. But now I canât even describe it as âmineâ because while it is attached to me, I feel no like or attachment to IT. I hate that all the changes in my body that I canât reverse: my voice deepening, body hair developing, the sexual drive that is so wrong to meâ¦and I never could stop them. But even with all those changes, Iâm torn. I know I donât want the penis thatâs on me, but I donât want to be a feel like I need to explain my motivations for SRS. I asked my new friend how she knew, and she couldnât really answer. It just seemed like she always knew, and couldnât pin it down. Even though she didnât really answer, I knew exactly what she meant. Iâve never really known how I knew, but I just always knew.
-Allie
One of the ways that I dealt with being trans when I was younger was that I just locked things away. Now that Iâm unlocking my feelings that Iâve repressed for so long, Iâm finding out just how deep and how badly I hurt. For instance, Iâd forgotten just how much I want to have a child of my own. Not one where I am the father, or the sperm donor, or I we have a surrogate-a child that I carry in my body for 9 months, force out of my body, and am able to nurse from my own breasts. It is such an exquisite torture. I hear some women who I come out to say things like âYouâre lucky, never having to deal with periods or pregnancy.â That hurts me, it really does. Yes, because medical technology and procedures can give me a vagina, a labia, a vulva, a form of a cervix, but I can never have periods, and I canât get pregnant. Not CANâT, but WONâT and DONâT.And for a woman, even one born male, this is something that I want to do. I want to have the pain of bleeding every month. I want to be able to bring new life into this world, and nurture it. every time I hear a woman complaining about periods or pregnancy, I get so utterly jealous, because I can never have what they do. I just feel so horrible, because Iâm a woman, and because I overdeveloped into a boy in the womb, I can never be completely the woman I know I am.
Another thing that I locked away was the hatred I had, and still have, for my body. When I first started transitioning, I described myself as having made peace with the penis thatâs on me. But now I canât even describe it as âmineâ because while it is attached to me, I feel no like or attachment to IT. I hate that all the changes in my body that I canât reverse: my voice deepening, body hair developing, the sexual drive that is so wrong to meâ¦and I never could stop them. But even with all those changes, Iâm torn. I know I donât want the penis thatâs on me, but I donât want to be a feel like I need to explain my motivations for SRS. I asked my new friend how she knew, and she couldnât really answer. It just seemed like she always knew, and couldnât pin it down. Even though she didnât really answer, I knew exactly what she meant. Iâve never really known how I knew, but I just always knew.
-Allie
