Parents Suck.
Mar. 25th, 2008 01:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wiriamuI just spent almost an hour and a half crying into my girlfriends shoulder this morning. I just couldn't stop crying. Every time she would start to get me calmed down, I'd just start sobbing again. I've never cried that much before. Almost two years of holding in my emotions about my parents and the way they've been acting towards me just poured out of me, and I'm still not finished...
What set me off was an email exchange. I'd sent an e-mail to my dad about two weeks ago, which, after the usual "How've you been, I've been good", read:
Quote:
So, I’ve been thinking for a while, especially about our last conversation. You know, the one where I came to your place steamed after *landlord* asked Mom about my hormones. During that conversation, you’d said something to the tune of “We really don’t want to have to lie to people about what you’re doing.” You said that that was a major stumbling block to you guys talking about more things with me. I’m already out to pretty much everyone in my daily life, and am being more out as time goes on. So, I’d like to offer you a solution: feel free to talk about anything with anyone, just keep me informed of who you do tell. I’m open to talking about this.
Another thing that came to my mind was, May 30 and 31, The Mazzoni Center is holding the Trans-Health Conference down in Philadelphia, in the Convention Center, if memory serves. They have a number of panels, but they have panels for families as well. Now, if you don’t want to go, I completely understand, but it would mean a lot to me if you could go. The only panels I was thinking about was from 1:30-3:15 on Friday, which is “Parent Process to Acceptance”, and the “Parent Panel Discussion” from 10:30-12:00 on Saturday. You don’t even have to stay for the entire days –you can come down for those panels, and then go home, or do whatever. Again, it’s completely up to you if you go or not, but it would mean the world to me if you did. *girlfriends name* and I are going to be down there, and we were going to make a day of it on Saturday maybe. We were going to go to the conference, and then maybe go out to dinner somewhere – maybe you and/or Mom would like to come?
I got this email in response.
Quote:
Before you get too excited about the panels, please don’t even think about attending May 31. That is the day of *sisters*’s baccalaureate and graduation. Sorry, but that is non-negotiable. I suspect that if we are doing any kind of post-graduation event, Mom might be a bit busy on the 30th, but we can keep that option open. In terms of the trans stuff in general, there are still a lot of unanswered questions in my mind, as you know. I think it is probably approaching time for another progress report/discussion with *therapist*. I’ll ask Mom about the revelations, but there are some areas where we shouldn’t have to shoulder the burden – relatives and really close friends, for example. We need to determine collectively how that is done. For example, does *really close friend* know? You should be the one to tell him. And your aunts, uncles, cousins, etc., plus Mom Mom and Grandmom.
Mom has looked at support groups, but one of the issues has been that they are all, like *therapist* seems to be, about accepting trans individuals for who they say they are. There doesn’t seem to be a place to go for people like your Mom and me and Rose, who believe from our years of experience with you that there might be other factors at play. They should have panels about parents who just can’t get with the program...
I tried to write a reasoned response. I really couldn't. This was the result, and it's still in progress:
Quote:
In regards to Trans-Health and the 31st, there might be some problems there. See, I volunteered to help both days at the conference back in October, back when I didn’t know that *sister* was graduating then. I mean, I knew she was graduating, heck, but I didn’t know DATES. So, they’ll be contacting me some time within the next month or so, and letting me know what they need to me do and when.
On the other hand, if you insist that I come to *sisters*’s graduation, we might be able to work something out. See, my suit has been getting a little baggy and tight in certain areas, if you catch my drift, and it’ll only get worse as time goes on. So, I might not be able to be properly attired. If that situation could be rectified, that would be great. But, that brings us to another snag: I’m planning on being part time by then. So, no Mens Warehouse for me.
On the topic of coming out to family and friends, I’ve been thinking about that. I’ve been revamping my website into a coming-out website based on Julia Seranos website www.switchhitter.net. This way, instead of you shouldering the burden of coming out to people for me, you can direct them to my website, and my words will do the talking for me. In regards to the grandmothers, I never planned on telling them. With all due respect, I don’t have much hope for them being understanding, or even understanding what I’m talking about. They came from a time where gays were locked firmly in the closet, and being trans was unheard of. When I have to see them, I’ll butch up, but I won’t go in guy mode.
I wasn’t asking you to go to a support group, but I think it would be helpful. And for that matter, what’s so intrinsically wrong with talking to other people who have been through this? You can’t just dismiss anything that doesn’t fit with your point of view. I REALLY don’t want to remember this, but it stopped being a question for me when I had a bullet staring down my throat. You haven’t seen how much of a happy, sociable girl I’ve blossomed into. And that hurts me, it really does. You taught me to take pride in my accomplishments, and to not hide my light under a bushel. Well, I want to take pride in all the changes that I’ve made and am continuing to make, but you don’t want to hear about them. Can you imagine how incredibly sad that makes me? My own family only wants to hear about my week if it involves me in boy drag.
Another thing: why is it so wrong that *therapist* accepts trans people for who they are? Isn’t that the basis of a therapeutic relationship? You consider yourself to have an ailment, you find an experienced practitioner of healing, and they decide. Look at *moms therapist*, for instance. Should she not accept mom for who she is, and be critical of her view that she is clinically depressed? Maybe mom’s depression is just a symptom of some other ailment, and is not the real problem. See how ridiculous that sounds? You (in my view) seem to think that you wait around for someone to diagnose you with Gender Identity Disorder, and then transition under tight scrutiny.
You told me from a young age that I was to love and respect you, no matter what happened. Over the years, I stopped loving and respecting you because you DESERVED it as my parents, and started respecting and loving you because you’d EARNED my respect. Now, I realize I’m only a 20 year old living away from home, but I think that respect should be mutual. And, quite frankly, the respect you have earned is the only thing that’s kept me from screaming at you. When we were going to the West Coast, you put a strict ban on makeup or girl clothes, even threatening to send me home early if you found them on me. I RESPECTED your wishes, even though I didn’t agree with them. And yet, when I ask you RESPECTFULLY to consider attending a workshop that might answer some questions you have, you turn me down like a 2 dollar hooker. I don’t know about you, but I’m kinda seeing a disconnect here…
You raised a good child. You didn’t raise a thug that went around bashing windows and getting arrested. I realize that I can’t make you accept me, and to be honest, that wouldn’t be fair to you as human beings. But you need to respect me as a person. On Sunday, when I was staring off for a minute or two, it was because of something Mom said to *sister* that made me feel so utterly angry and disgusted that I was almost ready to leave. The whole thing about *sisters friend*, and when Mom said to *sister*, “I’ve learned to trust your emotions.” Sure, you can trust Rose’s emotions, but you can’t trust mine. Why is that? Am I so mentally diseased that I think up is down, and left is right?
Also, I know myself better than anyone. I may not notice things about myself, but trust me, I know my own mind. It’s the mind of a woman. I don’t presume to know you better than you know yourself, and I’d appreciate it if the same courtesy was extended to me. When you become me, and have to live my life with all it’s fun little SNAFU’s, then you can say that you know me better than I know myself. But until then, find some other crutch to prop your arguments up with.
What questions do you have, really? I want to know what they are. You always mention these “questions”, and yet you never tell me what they are so I can answer, or at least attempt to, answer them! You know, if I didn’t know better, I’d say that you were worried I’d be an embarrassment to you and mom. Well, being trans is not an impediment to succeeding in life. Talk to *endocrinologist, who is trans*. Google Lynn Conway, or Andrea James. Look at the TS Successes pages. Please. Talk to some trans people. I promise, they won’t bite. You might actually learn something
I hate to say this, but I need to: at some point, you’re going to have to make a choice. You can either have two daughters, or one daughter. You can’t have a son.
I haven't sent this yet. I need to tell them in person. i just feel like so much crap...but it feels so good to just let almost two years worth of tears out. I needed to do that.
I just hurt so much.
-Allie
Quote:
So, I’ve been thinking for a while, especially about our last conversation. You know, the one where I came to your place steamed after *landlord* asked Mom about my hormones. During that conversation, you’d said something to the tune of “We really don’t want to have to lie to people about what you’re doing.” You said that that was a major stumbling block to you guys talking about more things with me. I’m already out to pretty much everyone in my daily life, and am being more out as time goes on. So, I’d like to offer you a solution: feel free to talk about anything with anyone, just keep me informed of who you do tell. I’m open to talking about this.
Another thing that came to my mind was, May 30 and 31, The Mazzoni Center is holding the Trans-Health Conference down in Philadelphia, in the Convention Center, if memory serves. They have a number of panels, but they have panels for families as well. Now, if you don’t want to go, I completely understand, but it would mean a lot to me if you could go. The only panels I was thinking about was from 1:30-3:15 on Friday, which is “Parent Process to Acceptance”, and the “Parent Panel Discussion” from 10:30-12:00 on Saturday. You don’t even have to stay for the entire days –you can come down for those panels, and then go home, or do whatever. Again, it’s completely up to you if you go or not, but it would mean the world to me if you did. *girlfriends name* and I are going to be down there, and we were going to make a day of it on Saturday maybe. We were going to go to the conference, and then maybe go out to dinner somewhere – maybe you and/or Mom would like to come?
I got this email in response.
Quote:
Before you get too excited about the panels, please don’t even think about attending May 31. That is the day of *sisters*’s baccalaureate and graduation. Sorry, but that is non-negotiable. I suspect that if we are doing any kind of post-graduation event, Mom might be a bit busy on the 30th, but we can keep that option open. In terms of the trans stuff in general, there are still a lot of unanswered questions in my mind, as you know. I think it is probably approaching time for another progress report/discussion with *therapist*. I’ll ask Mom about the revelations, but there are some areas where we shouldn’t have to shoulder the burden – relatives and really close friends, for example. We need to determine collectively how that is done. For example, does *really close friend* know? You should be the one to tell him. And your aunts, uncles, cousins, etc., plus Mom Mom and Grandmom.
Mom has looked at support groups, but one of the issues has been that they are all, like *therapist* seems to be, about accepting trans individuals for who they say they are. There doesn’t seem to be a place to go for people like your Mom and me and Rose, who believe from our years of experience with you that there might be other factors at play. They should have panels about parents who just can’t get with the program...
I tried to write a reasoned response. I really couldn't. This was the result, and it's still in progress:
Quote:
In regards to Trans-Health and the 31st, there might be some problems there. See, I volunteered to help both days at the conference back in October, back when I didn’t know that *sister* was graduating then. I mean, I knew she was graduating, heck, but I didn’t know DATES. So, they’ll be contacting me some time within the next month or so, and letting me know what they need to me do and when.
On the other hand, if you insist that I come to *sisters*’s graduation, we might be able to work something out. See, my suit has been getting a little baggy and tight in certain areas, if you catch my drift, and it’ll only get worse as time goes on. So, I might not be able to be properly attired. If that situation could be rectified, that would be great. But, that brings us to another snag: I’m planning on being part time by then. So, no Mens Warehouse for me.
On the topic of coming out to family and friends, I’ve been thinking about that. I’ve been revamping my website into a coming-out website based on Julia Seranos website www.switchhitter.net. This way, instead of you shouldering the burden of coming out to people for me, you can direct them to my website, and my words will do the talking for me. In regards to the grandmothers, I never planned on telling them. With all due respect, I don’t have much hope for them being understanding, or even understanding what I’m talking about. They came from a time where gays were locked firmly in the closet, and being trans was unheard of. When I have to see them, I’ll butch up, but I won’t go in guy mode.
I wasn’t asking you to go to a support group, but I think it would be helpful. And for that matter, what’s so intrinsically wrong with talking to other people who have been through this? You can’t just dismiss anything that doesn’t fit with your point of view. I REALLY don’t want to remember this, but it stopped being a question for me when I had a bullet staring down my throat. You haven’t seen how much of a happy, sociable girl I’ve blossomed into. And that hurts me, it really does. You taught me to take pride in my accomplishments, and to not hide my light under a bushel. Well, I want to take pride in all the changes that I’ve made and am continuing to make, but you don’t want to hear about them. Can you imagine how incredibly sad that makes me? My own family only wants to hear about my week if it involves me in boy drag.
Another thing: why is it so wrong that *therapist* accepts trans people for who they are? Isn’t that the basis of a therapeutic relationship? You consider yourself to have an ailment, you find an experienced practitioner of healing, and they decide. Look at *moms therapist*, for instance. Should she not accept mom for who she is, and be critical of her view that she is clinically depressed? Maybe mom’s depression is just a symptom of some other ailment, and is not the real problem. See how ridiculous that sounds? You (in my view) seem to think that you wait around for someone to diagnose you with Gender Identity Disorder, and then transition under tight scrutiny.
You told me from a young age that I was to love and respect you, no matter what happened. Over the years, I stopped loving and respecting you because you DESERVED it as my parents, and started respecting and loving you because you’d EARNED my respect. Now, I realize I’m only a 20 year old living away from home, but I think that respect should be mutual. And, quite frankly, the respect you have earned is the only thing that’s kept me from screaming at you. When we were going to the West Coast, you put a strict ban on makeup or girl clothes, even threatening to send me home early if you found them on me. I RESPECTED your wishes, even though I didn’t agree with them. And yet, when I ask you RESPECTFULLY to consider attending a workshop that might answer some questions you have, you turn me down like a 2 dollar hooker. I don’t know about you, but I’m kinda seeing a disconnect here…
You raised a good child. You didn’t raise a thug that went around bashing windows and getting arrested. I realize that I can’t make you accept me, and to be honest, that wouldn’t be fair to you as human beings. But you need to respect me as a person. On Sunday, when I was staring off for a minute or two, it was because of something Mom said to *sister* that made me feel so utterly angry and disgusted that I was almost ready to leave. The whole thing about *sisters friend*, and when Mom said to *sister*, “I’ve learned to trust your emotions.” Sure, you can trust Rose’s emotions, but you can’t trust mine. Why is that? Am I so mentally diseased that I think up is down, and left is right?
Also, I know myself better than anyone. I may not notice things about myself, but trust me, I know my own mind. It’s the mind of a woman. I don’t presume to know you better than you know yourself, and I’d appreciate it if the same courtesy was extended to me. When you become me, and have to live my life with all it’s fun little SNAFU’s, then you can say that you know me better than I know myself. But until then, find some other crutch to prop your arguments up with.
What questions do you have, really? I want to know what they are. You always mention these “questions”, and yet you never tell me what they are so I can answer, or at least attempt to, answer them! You know, if I didn’t know better, I’d say that you were worried I’d be an embarrassment to you and mom. Well, being trans is not an impediment to succeeding in life. Talk to *endocrinologist, who is trans*. Google Lynn Conway, or Andrea James. Look at the TS Successes pages. Please. Talk to some trans people. I promise, they won’t bite. You might actually learn something
I hate to say this, but I need to: at some point, you’re going to have to make a choice. You can either have two daughters, or one daughter. You can’t have a son.
I haven't sent this yet. I need to tell them in person. i just feel like so much crap...but it feels so good to just let almost two years worth of tears out. I needed to do that.
I just hurt so much.
-Allie
