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wiriamuYay for body angst.
I hate my Y chromosome, and all it brings.
There. I said it.
I should have seen this coming, I really should have. I went back to college on Friday, and despite being fulltime for almost two months, my body angst is back, but in different forms. See, where I go, there are any number of girls who look like me...to the point they could BE me if I was born a girl. And even the ones that don't look like me...they just make me so jealous, and so envious, and so dysphoric...
Now, i've been on hormones for almost a year. I've finally been going through puberty the right way. But that also means that i've been getting more and more dysphoric about the parts that I DO have. Like, before hormones, I had reached an uneasy truce with my bits. They weren't what I wanted, but they were kind of ok. Now I hate seeing the things. The thought of me having a penis is just...wrong. I know I can't correct the problem for a few years...but just have a hard time imagining waiting that long, especially since my dreams have shifted over to me being a girl, with all the requisite parts, or at least with me being postop. I just feel...broken, really. I know i'll be roundly yelled at, but I feel like a mutant. I feel like some 5th graders art project. I'm 5'9''. I have tiny, almost nonexistant breasts. I've got an athletic frame. All those things can be ignored...but I have male bits. Those CAN'T be ignored. No matter how much I pretend them away, or ignore them...i just want them gone.
I want to be able to wear a skirt, and not have to worry about things 'popping out'. I want to be able to be with my girlfriend, and to feel what it's like to receive, to be fully there...not hiding parts of my body because they disgust me. I want to be able to take a shower, and not have to close my eyes. I want to be able to go swimming, and to wear a bikini. I just want *it* to be gone...
*sighs* i'll be less angsty next post...i'm sorry, that's not all the angst...but I just needed to get that out. I'm going to go home after work, have a bath, and go to sleep...
I hate my Y chromosome, and all it brings.
There. I said it.
I should have seen this coming, I really should have. I went back to college on Friday, and despite being fulltime for almost two months, my body angst is back, but in different forms. See, where I go, there are any number of girls who look like me...to the point they could BE me if I was born a girl. And even the ones that don't look like me...they just make me so jealous, and so envious, and so dysphoric...
Now, i've been on hormones for almost a year. I've finally been going through puberty the right way. But that also means that i've been getting more and more dysphoric about the parts that I DO have. Like, before hormones, I had reached an uneasy truce with my bits. They weren't what I wanted, but they were kind of ok. Now I hate seeing the things. The thought of me having a penis is just...wrong. I know I can't correct the problem for a few years...but just have a hard time imagining waiting that long, especially since my dreams have shifted over to me being a girl, with all the requisite parts, or at least with me being postop. I just feel...broken, really. I know i'll be roundly yelled at, but I feel like a mutant. I feel like some 5th graders art project. I'm 5'9''. I have tiny, almost nonexistant breasts. I've got an athletic frame. All those things can be ignored...but I have male bits. Those CAN'T be ignored. No matter how much I pretend them away, or ignore them...i just want them gone.
I want to be able to wear a skirt, and not have to worry about things 'popping out'. I want to be able to be with my girlfriend, and to feel what it's like to receive, to be fully there...not hiding parts of my body because they disgust me. I want to be able to take a shower, and not have to close my eyes. I want to be able to go swimming, and to wear a bikini. I just want *it* to be gone...
*sighs* i'll be less angsty next post...i'm sorry, that's not all the angst...but I just needed to get that out. I'm going to go home after work, have a bath, and go to sleep...
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no subject
Date: 2008-09-07 03:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-09-07 03:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-09-07 04:31 am (UTC)Sorry you're having a rough time. But it seems like you're pretty clear on how to improve things, which is pretty awesome.
no subject
Date: 2008-09-07 05:16 pm (UTC)I am clear on how to improve things...it'll just take a while, 20k, and a summer off ^_^